Paul needs to be remembered for being a good hero to american http://cloud-2.steampowered.com/ugc/3280059407830877042/4A6F72C29B2ADBE1B062090A9B7B9CEF563A8724/
So, as most of you know, it's been some time since my perma-ban from the community, and my time here as a community member before that. Likewise, you all probably know why I got perma'd in the first place. Although I have come back, and joined the community again through recruitment, I've never really made an apology for what I had done. Given that, I'd like to do so now..
For those who don't like a TL;DR of paragraphs of precursor information to an apology, this is for you:
I'm sorry.
For those who don't like accepting apologies, and think I don't deserve to be here, I still apologize regardless.
When I first joined the community, I was a big time TTT player, and some of my friends had suggested that I should just apply for the hell of it. I thought I might as well seeing as it didn't really matter if I was denied or not. ( Originally I was going to do what Dojima does, and just not join at all. ) None the less, I applied, got accepted, and immediately got promoted to TTT SO. I thought I would've been denied seeing as, well, it's pretty obvious that I am a 'furfag'. ;< Although, as those who are close to me know, I don't really dwell on this fact, and I despise pushing it in the face of others. In fact, I would have preferred that no one had ever known. It's not something that I deem important enough, and it really just serves to 'stir shit up'.
The community was coming along pretty well, and I had my fair share of friends to which I loved dearly. ( Yes, loved, I love my friends. ) At this time I came off as, from what I've gathered, as a pretty chill guy who gets on just to game. I did the job that I had been given the best I could, and tried to be as nice as I could to everyone. There wasn't any of the nonsense with trolling anyone in the community, and I largely ignored people who did. Despite this avoidance, it was inevitable that people would eventually try, and they did quite often because 'I'm a furry'. Albeit, I never really cared because it was never important to me on how these people felt. At least now anything about such a thing are meaningless jokes that I've come to laugh at.
Around mid June, two years ago from now, RO applications for current Server officers opened up since we were lacking on staff positions. At first, I was in the mindset that there wasn't any reason to apply since I probably couldn't make a difference. Of course I love to help, so I would if I had too, but simply applying for something didn't necessarily mean I earned it. After a day or two, a few people in staff encouraged me to make an application, so I did. I didn't want to seem like I didn't care about the community, so I put some decent effort into my application. After about half a month in the screening process, I got a text I was accepted whilst I was on vacation. I suppose you could say I was elated, but I wasn't really sure. I didn't feel like I deserved it, especially since I hadn't been in the community for more than a month by now. Although, it was a decent opportunity to help out where I could.
My applications if you're interested:
There are two parts for the screening process that Blob and Mitch had done.
When I had gotten back from my vacation, I started immediately, and did whatever I could to organize the community the best I could. I wasn't going to write things on my applications, then turn out to be a hypocrite like an 'event advisor'. (huehue, kidding, ilu). None the less, people were apparently bitter that someone so new had gotten staff so quickly. To them it was obvious that I was sucking up to Mitch, or whoever else, to get where I wanted to be in the community. I'd like to say this, though:
This wasn't the case, although I may have gotten where I had due to Mitch being in power. To dispel this misconception though, I'd like to turn your attention to the fact that he never talked about me. Our exchanges were limited to five minute conversations in steam, or humorous exchanges on TTT whenever he had gotten on. After I had left, it meant very little to him in this fact. He was by no means desperate to have me back where I had been.
My situation started degrade as my tenure in staff lengthened, and people became more audible in their complaints with me being staff. I was constantly trolled in-game and on the forums, and it started getting to the point where I was fed up with it. I know I have probably said I never get trolled, but it's disheartening when I try to help, but I have it thrown back in my face. At the time, it seemed like no one cared either, and everyone bandwaggoned against me as soon as I banned Zachaman incidentally on the TTT server. ( At the time I thought he had done something he hadn't, which really didn't help my case. Like I said before, I apologized for this as best I could. ) With the feeling of abandonment fresh in mind, I eventually just left the community despite having quite a few friends. I figured I could still play the servers I felt like where I could, and do what I felt like outside of the forums.
I did leave a rather nasty message, however, and this is one of the major things I apologize for. For those who haven't seen it, here:
http://www.joinsg.net/topic/48035-pz-bby/
Feel free to downvote it if you want, or just peruse the content. I'm ashamed of it personally seeing as I could have left on a better note than that.
I tried to ban myself at this point to prevent myself from ever coming back, but I did play on the servers, which didn't help me much. After a few visits, I decided to come back after my 'ban' was up, and make sure I was perma'd for good. I necro'd threads from years back, and posted the N word as much as I could around the forum. I even posted pictures that no one could see because of their download link. (That's a good thing, honestly.)
In essence, I became what I used to hate. I put up a front to those who hated me, and became an asshole in the process. In doing so, I pushed away the remainder of friends that I used to have in the community seeing as I attacked the community as a whole. I was fine with this seeing as I thought I'd never come back, but I could stay away. There were too many people I used to love to play with consistently. I may have been banned on the forums permanently, but not in-game. No one ever bothered with this.
A few months passed, and I came back to the servers regularly, and was banned promptly by those who remembered me. ( Not going to name anyone specifically. ) In retort, I paid the $30 unban fee, and never really apologized for what I had done. I just figured no one would really care since it had been a long time since then. Even though I had come back with good intentions, I never really came back with the same attitude I had before. Instead, I came back with the attitude I had left with: A huge asshole with an upfront attitude to ensure that I wouldn't be trolled in the same way. I didn't want people thinking I was soft, and made sure this was the case by lashing out at those who might have responded negatively to me.
But.. That's not how I want people to perceive me as. I can't really say that I want to see me in any other light than that, because I haven't given you any other reason to see me as anything else.
Given this, I just want to apologize for my attitude as of late. I had a good friend of mine tell me it seemed like I just came back to start shit with everyone, which is not what I wanted to do at all. Likewise, I'm going to tone back on most of my negativity, and just go with how I used to act. It might be a little strange, honestly, but I don't really care. I'm tired of trying to act like someone I'm not. Similarly, it is relatively stressful for me given that I hate acting this way. I've just done it for so long now that it's fairly natural at this point.
Again, I'm sorry for everything as of late, and I'm sorry to JWB, Driz, and anyone else I might have acted like an asshole to lately. I'm also sorry to those that might have known me once before I came back to this, and acted like an asshole to as well.
If this was too long, just look at the statement above. I hope it will suffice to show my feelings as of now. I'm hoping I can just lay back and relax, and just game with friends like I used too. Ez enough.
I will make a decition of who will win the knife after these 2 weeks, to sign up you gotta be ADMIN+ (<3) [sO] [ADV] [ENG] & [MGR] to participate just type im in right under.
Terms: You have to be sweet You have to be a good person to me You gotta stop blaming me for everything You gotta suck my balls.
Flip Knife Urban Masked.
06/20/14
Edit: You can sign up util 2/06/2014 (2:00 pm GMT -6)
If you are a +ADMIN you must post a screenshot with it.
I will make a decition of who will win the screenshot of the knife after these 2 weeks, to sign up you gotta be ADMIN+ (<3) [sO] [ADV] [ENG] & [MGR] to participate just type im in right under. Terms: You have to be sweet You have to be a good person to me You gotta stop blaming me for everything You gotta suck my balls. You must have downs or be a faggot.
willing to throw in more for people who will vote yes on my app
Count got a reaction from AntyCrix in Feedback :)
Count got a reaction from Rayne in One of the oddest steam conversations I've ever had