Vex's Official PSA on Why Not to Buy The Stanley Parable

[Vexium 35]

http://steamcommunity.com/id/vexium/recommended/221910

 

Don't play this game. It's a waste of money. You think it will be deep. Maybe in some parts it is - on a surface level. But ultimately, to save you time, here's the underlying message: games are really like real life, so go out and play in real life instead of following the computer's orders in a simulated environment.

'Cept the reason you play videogames isn't to find one that is so downright dull that it is just like real life. And that's what The Stanley Parable really is. A steaming pile of utter garbage straight from the cesspools of mediocre game design and incompetent storytelling.

Some people argue that this game is a work of art. Really? And what was artistically profound about it? The series of linear choices you made? The randomly generated changes when you completed an ending? The amount of metanarrative conceptualization and the hilarious ways in which you would waste your time trying to find entirely pointless developments that offered no insights?

How about that ending that caused you to quit out of the game? Ooh boy, what an exciting ending. I'm sure that really got you going, eh. You got to walk around a museum and see what the game's creation really was like! Wow! Another brilliant narrative development.

How about the time you followed a line for multiple playthroughs and the same boring, hackneyed idea was drilled into your retinas for close to 30 minutes?

But, sure. Maybe that's art. Maybe. For some really hipster kids who don't understand what the word 'art' implies (hint: effort and creativity). Maybe you think wandering around a Halflife 2 mod's simulated version of an office with no gameplay mechanics is fun. Maybe you think Minecraft and Portal references are the peak of ironic allusions to consumerism in the digital world.

Even then, The Stanley Parable is a worthless pile of dung, not fit for the cost nor the measley time it takes to play. By the way, the game lasts about... oh... 20 minutes per playthrough. And at best, you'll play it for 5 hours to find the endings you want by diverging on certain sets of linear paths (and yes, they are highly linear - not complex at all) to find the 10 or so endings the game offers.

No, no countless narrative structures. No endless divulging explanations into games, into existence, into the power of choice. Just several rather typified remarks on life, society, and the digital age we live in. You'd find more entertainment in an Ayn Rand novel.

Now, before you critique my critique, I have played through every ending and literally every variant of decision-making in the game. And that only took 3 hours. Most of the longer plots have interesting commentaries mixed into the heaping feces-filled drivel spouted, but those moments lasted less than 30 seconds and then I would return to the futile hell that is this so-called game. Overall, I could not be more dissatisfied with my purchase.

What really gets me is how this game was presented - this is where some credit is due. It was marketed in such a clever way, as if it held some deep purpose or meaning, and then it literally quite honestly admits that it doesn't have that significance in the game. The narrator then proceeds to subtly mock you on your purchase decisions, all the while critiquing you as being the kind of addicted-to-computers-and-technology person that needs to get outside.

And maybe the game is clever in that sense. It forces you to be so disgusted with its own pitiful mediocrity that you actually want to go outside rather than play it. It makes you feel sorry that you completed the game in almost every ending, as if to say, "why would you ruin the little, terrible machine I've created?" In fact, I think I'm paraphrasing the narrator pretty acurately there.

The saving grace is the voice acting, but even that can't change the lack of ingenuity and utter stupidity that is The Stanley Parable.

Congratulations if you already bought The Stanley Parable. You were suckered in just like I was, and you have officially fallen into the consumer trap that the game figuratively represents.

 

TL;DR You're a moron if you buy The Stanley Parable, and the game basically tells you as much.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Vexium

[Ika 320]

tl;dr

[Wave 2200]

[Vexium 35]

i made a tl;dr just for you ika

[SpartanSakaro 1977]

just because you did not like this type of game does not mean it is a steaming pile of shit, every person has a different taste. This is why the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" exists 

[Vexium 35]

it's not a game, and it's not much of a story either. there is objectivity in art. this is a steaming pile of shit, and if you like it you have no concept of good/bad in terms of games or artistic talent.

[ElectronicDrug 7496]

Just because you like it doesn't mean it isn't.

[Vexium 35]

i have never felt so fiercely resolved to condemn a game for being not worth the purchase. you are literally throwing away your money if you buy this game.

[DogsGoMeow 1606]

Put the entire thing into text to speech, it was quite soothing. 

[Count 500]

Tbh, instead of buying the game I just watched some guy go through the whole game. Was pretty nice.

[Ichalvl 1752]

just because you did not like this type of game does not mean it is a steaming pile of shit, every person has a different taste. This is why the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" exists 

 

Ex-fucking-xactly this.

 

I bet you're one of those people who parades around, discovers a new fad, shoves that new favorite fad of yours down EVERYONE's throats, and then hate it later on and tell anyone who likes the fad that they're morons.

 

We all have opinions, yours just makes you sound like an ass.

 

-1

[Oreo 2073]

I wrote this

Edited December 9, 2013 by Oreo

[Vexium 35]

i've actually never done that in my life, icha. i also rarely review games (or anything, really), but this game has just made me that pissed off. i'm trying to do you a service. if you think im wrong, buy the game and prove me wrong. it will make me laugh.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Vexium

[Ichalvl 1752]

i've actually never done that in my life, icha. i also rarely review games (or anything, really), but this game has just made me that pissed off. i'm trying to do you a service. if you think im wrong, buy the game and prove me wrong. it will make me laugh.

 

 

I fucking love the game. 

 

So, guess I didn't prove you wrong?

[Ryziou 538]

I like the game.

[Sean 3760]

EXCUSE ME BUT SOMETIMES YOU BUY GAMES TO SUPPORT THE DEVELOPER TOO

[Ika 320]

EXCUSE ME BUT SOMETIMES YOU BUY GAMES TO SUPPORT THE DEVELOPER TOO

 

You would only support the developer if you like the product they're putting out.

[SpartanSakaro 1977]

it's not a game, and it's not much of a story either. there is objectivity in art. this is a steaming pile of shit, and if you like it you have no concept of good/bad in terms of games or artistic talent.

Are you serious ? i never stated what i thought of the game at all, i have yet to play it, But i have played Dear Esther and if it is anything like that then i fail to see how you could go into the game expecting something other than it is. 

also how is it that i have no concept of something that is good/bad in terms of games or artistic talent when i am studying just that? but hey i guess you must know more about this than i do since you are obviously an expert in the field. 

[Vexium 35]

apparently more of an expert than you are. i can recognize utter trash when it tries to sell itself as something profound and deep. the game is a rip-off. nothing more. just because it speaks to people about the nature of tech-age lifestyles doesn't make it worth the purchase. it literally lasts <20 minutes per run-through. EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER IT ART, it isnt worth the purchase.

 

congrats icha and ryz, im sure u make great purchase decisions on a regular basis.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Vexium

[jc4x4 1313]

Edited December 10, 2013 by ㅤㅤㅤ

[SexyBatman 705]

"guize lok at me i dont like this gam tha every1 likes l0l im so edgy and cool ll0l0l pls like me i dont have freidns irl."

No. Why don't you take the time to tell us WHY you don't like the game or WHY it's bad as this "review" only tells us it's bad and what you don't like about it.

The Stanley Parable is not a profound or deep game and it does not try to sell itself off as one. If you really truly think the message of this game was anything deeper than a commentary on narrative cliches and the linear style of games of today then you must have severe autism or something. It's a fun game that was fun to play that really fucking did raise valid points on the narrative in today's video games as making it seem as though the main character doesn't have a choice in everything he does.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Sexy Batman

[SpartanSakaro 1977]

apparently more of an expert than you are. i can recognize utter trash when it tries to sell itself as something profound and deep. the game is a rip-off. nothing more. just because it speaks to people about the nature of tech-age lifestyles doesn't make it worth the purchase. it literally lasts <20 minutes per run-through. EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER IT ART, it isnt worth the purchase.

 

congrats icha and ryz, im sure u make great purchase decisions on a regular basis.

kk guess there is nothing more to discuss since you are so sure of your choice.

Edited December 10, 2013 by SpartanSakaro

[Ryziou 538]

apparently more of an expert than you are. i can recognize utter trash when it tries to sell itself as something profound and deep. the game is a rip-off. nothing more. just because it speaks to people about the nature of tech-age lifestyles doesn't make it worth the purchase. it literally lasts <20 minutes per run-through. EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER IT ART, it isnt worth the purchase.

 

congrats icha and ryz, im sure u make great purchase decisions on a regular basis.

Infact, I'm very happy with my purchase decisions. I would just like to let you know that I haven't bought it but I've played it and I've enjoyed every part of the "utter trash" game.

 

You know people in sG will just troll you and shit about this, so why bring it here? It's fine that you made a bad review about it on steam but to tell us not to buy it is just.... I don't even know.

 

As everyone else keeps saying

 

 

 

Just because you like it doesn't mean it isn't.

 

just because you did not like this type of game does not mean it is a steaming pile of shit, every person has a different taste. This is why the saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" exists 

Edited December 10, 2013 by Ryziou

[BananaPeelz 709]

10/10 thread

 

"I don't like this game because it is boring." Beautiful review buddy, you're going places.

 

Also art is subjective, people's opinions on it vary and no one's opinion is anymore valid than someone else's. If you think the game is shitty that's fine, but don't expect everyone else to agree with you. I played through the game and enjoyed it, there are much worse games out there to play.

[Siesan 1802]

apparently more of an expert than you are. i can recognize utter trash when it tries to sell itself as something profound and deep. the game is a rip-off. nothing more. just because it speaks to people about the nature of tech-age lifestyles doesn't make it worth the purchase. it literally lasts <20 minutes per run-through. EVEN IF YOU CONSIDER IT ART, it isnt worth the purchase.

 

congrats icha and ryz, im sure u make great purchase decisions on a regular basis.

Being a flamboyant Dickbutt isn't gonna make people like you fyi lol

 

i bet you don't even wear a fedora fuckin fagot lel

Edited December 10, 2013 by Siesan