so theres gonna be a lot of just word vomit and garbage in this post and honestly I don't think I necessarily needed to post it here but as we all know, getting to vent sometimes helps work through some issues so I figured rather than screaming it into the void id at least put it somewhere that doesn't seem like im just holding it in/hiding it I guess, so you really don't have to read any of this or necessarily have to respond to it but if you'd like that'd be chill. I appreciate any input or just reading it
I don't wanna go too in depth about a lot of things but ive been feeling pretty shitty lately, and with the lockdowns/quarantines due to covid I feel like my current issues are only being exacerbated since I cant really do a lot of the necessary things to seek more help like I wanted to. so, sometime in January I almost attempted suicide via intentional sodium nitrite poisoning, but I thought that situation would just be the tip of the hill for my issues and that things would get better. I started attending therapy every Friday and was able to work a lot of things out with my family and things were starting to look a little better week by week but lately ive just been back in the same slump that got me to that point again a few weeks ago. in general im just extremely depressed, even in day to day life, even though things are generally a lot better now than they ever were. there was a lot of traumatizing shit that happened in my childhood and it still unfortunately affects me a quite a bit to this day, and to some extent I do regret not just committing when I had the chance
around the time I left the clan was when I was going through a lot of this all at once and I was admittingly in a pretty bad mental state, and I was being unnecessarily toxic to a lot of people (in sG and not), so in some way this is a form of an apology. and I understand that doesn't fix me having been an asshole for little to no reason, but its better than pretending I didn't do anything at all. and I don't want to blame my mental state for that either, or use it as an excuse to be a shitty person, but that did contribute to it, and I do take responsibility for that. its also part of the reason I left the clan earlier, being mentally unstable is a surefire way to find reasons to fuck up stuff without a valid reason to do. im back now and probably (maybe) wont be THAT dumb again, but im still pretty autistic so don't count on that too hard y'all.
some issues ive gone through (and to some extent still go through) pertain to my transition. its not going bad, nor am I regretting it, but I think I was just a little naïve thinking it would solve all of my problems when realistically it solved barely anything. as of writing this im 9 months on hormones, and while I couldn't be anymore happy about that, its still not a fix all solution for the larger problem at hand. I still have a lot of self image problems, but on the bright side its not as bad as it used to be, so I guess theres still some improvement from when I was a stupid kid thinking there was a simple way to solve the fact that everything sucks!
at the end of the day im trying my best to succeed, so I guess all that's left to do is hope that things only continue to improve from here, right? I think im past the worst of it
thanks if you read this, love you all. stay cool and pop jb more often