Congrats and good luck with your pursuit. I've heard of these projects before and know how tough they can be. Also, had some friends in the film industry who talked about it. Let me know when you work on a porno cause I guess that's when you are half-way "there". lol. I'm not sure how big the film industry is where you are and things may have changed because of the internet but be aware that if you find it's something you really enjoy that you may want to start thinking of moving to a city with more opportunities to get some work on bigger shows/movies.
I think the story and dialogue where good. I don't like stories that spoon feed you the plot which I think was good . There could have been some things to fine tune but those 48 hour projects really suck in that aspect and you have to hammer out something quick to get to shooting and editing. However, it's good because it helps you not try to be a perfectionist and just get it done. So you get to learn how to get the things you need quickly and move on.
I'm not sure how big the crew you were working with but one thing which maybe could have been worked on was the cinematography. That is something that can be done better pretty quickly as it as you are shooting. You could have really benefited from some b-roll and establishing shots. Plus some additional angles. Such as the narrative in the car could have been done as if he mounted the camera and was driving while occasionally looking at the camera. Then you could have worked in some additional cuts of different interior shots, outside shots, maybe from another car driving by. However, adding all that increases the editing time which I felt the editing could have generally been better with what you shot (but then again that damned 48 hours). Another quick tip for car scenes... remove the headrest. Gives you so much more room to play around with.
What were you guys shooting on? For anything you work on and if you can muster a small budget then just know you can rent cameras, lens, lights, and audio equipment(the audio was spotty in some shots). However, better equipment is just nice to have and lets you start getting into some more interesting technical aspects. It doesn't help you get the basics down and learn what works and what doesn't. These films are excellent practice. I don't want this to sound the wrong way but just keep it up and practice practice practice. I'm not saying the film was bad. It was all right and it was really great if you have never done anything like this before. So keep it up and if you take on another 48 hour project in a year or two I'd bet you will find it a little bit easier and better... but still hard as fuck to do. The fact you completed it all is amazing.